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I can not breathe

So this past month or so it’s been hard. Hard to just keep it going. I never  realised how much I was struggling  until I saw my face , I felt my heart beating fast and I felt like I was going to throw up.

The struggle of anxiety is real. Life stress showing me it’s time to reflect and just slow down. Life is too short.

We lost our family dog of 15years and it was really hard to say goodbye and to admit that it was time to let him go. And I was strong.

This week my Aunty unexpectedly past away. And I wasn’t so strong .After almost a year of struggling with illness, we thought she has overcome it but God saw it fit that it was her time to come Home. We lost her on Tuesday .

I think it’s been tough for me. My anxiety has escalated this week especially because it has hit me we could go anytime, and it scares me to think that I could leave my family or that anyone of my family could pass away. It just brings up all that fears I had after my father’s death.

I mean if I have a headache I think I am going to have a clot or cancer.

And hearing all these people around me getting sick or finding a tumour, it is really hitting home for me. Life is so short.

I am trying to deal with my anxiety, trying to calm myself down because in the end I do not want it to consume me.

I have gone into intense cries this week, which helped me a bit but I am still dealing. It’s hard when these things affect you so subconciously.

But what I want to say to you all through this is love deeply, appreciate those you love and just live life. Life will not go as we want, really it won’t but just hang on to those happy memories. We will fight another day.

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Baby showers, birthdays and babies

Hello all

So it’s been a rollercoaster of a couple of weeks.

Me and someone were organizing my best friend’s baby shower. I had to make up big time as I slipped up on her previous babyshower or lack there of. So we went all out for her, which she totally deserved of course. But as life would have it, it didn’t work out so easy. With all being organized my friend had some complications and was admitted to hospital the Friday before her babyshower. But in the end we had to tell her about the babyshower and the doctor knew too and he then decided to release her that Saturday for her babyshower. Which turned out so perfectly. Everyone enjoyed it and she was so blessed surrounded with some much love, we all just so thankful. Currently she is still in hospital but baby coming soon-soon.

And then mom’s birthday was happening. I had a lot of plans for her birthday which included a birthday breakfast with her sisters.

But due to life happening her sisters couldn’t make it and we had to cancel the birthday breakfast. So what I then thought is I try to pay for some of the stuff she wanted for her birthday. Ordered her some platters , which the lady in the end couldn’t do for me as she has other bigger clients, I can not even explain the level of disappointment I felt. Something I have planned way in advance already and this person dropping me last minute. Just showing me you can not control everything. But in the end mom had a blessed birthday over 2 days. The second day she spent specially with her sisters and that in itself was special.

During this whole time our big dog was in the hospital. He has not eaten for a couple of days and has been losing weight. Well it seemed to be his last week with us. We had to say goodbye to him on Sunday as he could not fight the good fight anymore and really was just tired and we had to let him go. It was a real sad Sunday for us , as this dog has been part of our family for over 10years and been a diabetic the last 4 years of it as well. But as they say “all good things must come to an end” and it was time for our doggy to move on.

It has been an emotional couple of weeks. Having to make someone’s day special to having to say goodbye to a much loved member of the family.

I have also had this urge(if I could call it that) for male conversation and this one guy has been on my mind this past week. So I messaged him and we started talking because in all truth there was no ulterior motives to why I wanted to talk to him as just wanting to talk to a guy. I have missed that since one of my best guy friends got married. So getting to chat to this guy felt easy and made me smile. But after a couple of days of chats he just hasn’t replied to my chats anymore. I feel like a fool and defeated and really feel I just wanted a guy friend again. But I guess I am not worth the time. Not surprising.

But good things happened too, my friend’s baby girl was born today , healthy. And we are all so happy and thankful for that.

My pilates classes are going strong, classes have really become challenging but my competitive streak is kicking in and I’m really pushing my body and it feels good so far.

But I feel blessed today and thankful on so many levels because even with all these ups and downs God still has been showing me he is listening to my prayers and He is in control.

But that is my story for today, or as much as I could remember.

Everyone take care

Bye-bye

Me

I got to get with the program

Hello all

So it has been a while since I did an update. Well things have been going up and down.

So what has been happening?

I have had some middle ear infection which totally put me down and out. What I mean by that is I actually had to stay home from work because I did not have any energy. I went to the doctor and she gave me meds and put me off for a couple of days. If you know me, I hardly ever stay home if it was not part of my annual leave and being off home sick was sooooo out of my character.
So what did I learn from me being sick? I am not young. My body at 34 does not recover as quick as it use too. That working so hard, taking on the stress of life and sleeping so little really was taking its toll on my body. And oh was I feeling it. Didn't realized how much tired my body was and just how it just couldn't fend off this illness. So I stayed home and recovered and guess what? I am sick again this weekend.
I mean how much is my body turning on me at this moment and reality kicked in and I had to admit to myself I need to take care of my body more.

I am not talking about exercising and eating healthy. But actually building up my immune system. What does that mean? Eating more oranges( which I am not a fan of- that has changed) and more fruit that contains Vitamin C and drinking loads of water and try to get in more sleep. My body needs to rest.

I mean I always believe and my mom being a perfect example, you have to work hard and give it your all. I mean if you are not giving 110% whats the point. So my body definitely showed me that I have reached my limit. And you really need to listen to your body. And thats what I have learned and the hard way.

But I'm in bed today just trying to give my body some rest so when Monday comes around I can go to work without any probs.

So this is me getting with the program.

Listen to your body

The weekend

Hello all

Well another long weekend reared its head this weekend. We were celebrating Youth day on the 16th of June. Its weird really for me personally as I literally live for these long weekends, not because I actually want to celebrate it, I just see it as a bonus day to do nothing and sleep late. 

Well this Friday was filled with a late sleep, an All Blacks vs Samoa game and then driving out to Cape Town. All in a days work. I mean my time was my time and I could spend it as I like? No celebrating of the Youth. 

Its horrible really because most of these days are really part of our countries history and we should see it as a day of rememberance.  But as most of us, just like me, the meaning is lost. I need to change that.

On Saturday I had a wonderful lunch with 2 of my very close friends. Just catching up and enjoying good food. Just taking in the good advice that was shared among us. It was good and weirdly enough what I needed. I do not get out as much as I would like and spending it with my friends. Something too that has to change soon. But it was a good get together and good for my soul, which I needed seeing what Sunday is.

So Sunday was father’s day in most parts of the world, but apparently Australia and New Zealand were not celebrating it with the rest of the world. But getting back to the day. I think it was the most anticipated day for me because I don’t always know how I am going to feel or how my mom and sister will handle the day either.

But I got to get up how late I wanted. Which already was a win for me because my time was not controlled. I got to hug my mom to say Good morning . They were making food and were in good spirits. I could wash my hair and then we all went to the cemetery to put flowers on dad’s grave to just remember him. I have to be honest it makes a huge difference for me when I go to dad’s grave and I wasn’t rushed or forced to come. I can remember my dad, the good and the bad times and be grateful for the time I had to spend with him. 

We went to my brother too to wish him a Happy Father’s day because I felt we as a family needed to aknowledge him for the man and awesome father he is. And that visit ,wishing him ,made such a huge difference and I think or hope he appreciated it because he is important to our family.

Then my day went on and I went to celebrate my best friend’s birthday with her and her family. It is always fun to go to gatherings like these. It was a difficult time for me but I had to look beyond that because it was her special day as well and she is important to me too. And got to spend time with my goddaughter which I always love.

What was also interesting about this evening is how people was so worried about me being alone or single. I mean at this very moment in time it’s not something that bothers me really but when people bring it up and ask questions about it, it becomes a problem for me. I mean I would love to go to events with a guy at my side but thats not how things work out. And yes I do have a life beyond this as well. I mean I work, I exercise , so I am not all lost. But again it is not enough.

But I guess that is part of life. We all have our chapters we need to go through before we can go on to the next chapter. My chapter is just longer than others.

Well I guess that was my weekend. Packed with stuff. But yet the weekend was too short and I could do with another late sleep.

But you all take care 

Till next time

Hugs

Me

Awaken – by Grace

Hello everyone

Hope you all doing well.

I just wanted to promote my friend’s blog today.

She really has a good heart and she finally decided to start writing her blogs. I can not be more proud.

She has to date only wrote 2 pieces so far but they have been real inspired pieces from the ❤️.

Please go check her out at https://grace029.wordpress.com or awaken-by grace
Hope you like it.

Love to all

Do you feel yourself slipping?

https://grace029.wordpress.com/2017/05/16/do-you-feel-yourself-slipping/

Lets pray for rain

Well with some water restrictions not being lifted here in the Western Cape, everyone is just hoping for rain to come. Our dams have been at an all time low and its been a hard summer for us all I think.

Most of the country this summer has gotten this insane rain days and even some banks overflowing. It was so weird to see. Here on this part of South Africa it was as hot as can be, but in other parts it was storming. How we all wished it was raining here too.

Lately some radio stations have even had this rain dance competition or something going to pray for rain.

Well God has blessed us with enough rain for what we need. It has not been storming or anything like that, but I like to believe God gives us just enough for what we need. I know it might sound like some blind faith from my side. But with all this weather stuff happening I really have come to appreciate the winters more and its rain.

I do believe more rain soon to come…watch this space:)

A Healthier 2017 , update

Well so its been over 2 months now since my last blog about this.

 

Well what has happened since then:

 

  • I have completed 9 park runs. Well its going better. I had my best time of 00:56:59, that was like 2 park runs ago. I am still trying to improve on that. But I am going for park run number 10 tomorrow, so lets see how that goes.
  • I have lost the fitness pall. I think the admin just got to much and I didn’t do it as frequently as I should. So losing days and not weighing in ,kinda made the app redundant for me. I mean isn’t the point is to see my progress. So I am not using that anymore.
  • Well the Pilates is still going strong. Month 3, and I feel stronger and the exercising is going so much better.

Well as you can see other than the app, I am still going strong with my fitness. I mean I do feel the difference. Taking the stairs I not so straining on my lungs as much anymore. So there is some improvement. Now I just need to beat my personal best time, then all will be happy in the world.

 

P.s did Park  run 10 yesterday and i beat my best time. Whoopeee. My new personal best is 54.52. I could not believe it. We walked hard and my legs were aching…but we did it.

Am i not entertained???

So for some reason I have been swallowed in by YouTube. I never could understand the craze, but now I do.

So what have I been watching on YouTube lately.

 

I have been watching how these service men(Marines,navy, army) men and women return to their families after a deployment. I mean I do not really know why I watch this, I mean I am not even an American. But I have so much respect for these families and these men and women who are doing this insane service for their country and their families really just need to stand strong. I can imagine how difficult this is and how much strength these families should have to actually go on everyday. How mothers or fathers technically have to be a single parent  while their partner is overseas fighting to protect their country,  but still learning their kids value , respect and love for one another, make sure their service husband/wife do not need to worry about their families at home. I mean how can you not have respect for these families. How can you not admire their strength and their support system they have(if any).  I mean I have watched a lot of videos now but each video has touched me. Where a father returns to his toddler, where they do not at first recognize them, but as soon as they recognize who they are, they just have this bright smile on their faces, to where a father/mother returns to their teenage son/daughter and these kids just break down crying. I mean can you even imagine what they must be feeling(relief,happiness,love). Its insane to think about this. I mean I can not stop watching this happiness of a father/mother/son returning home. I mean as a family member, you just want everyone in your family to be safe. To think they are somewhere something could happen to them, can push any stress level up. I just want to say , I have the utmost respect for these marines/naval officers/army men and women out there and their families. Know that you are making a difference ,although the world does not always show it, you do make a difference.

 

BaileyLiving

I came about this Youtube channel yesterday. It is about the Bailey Family. Mother(Brandey), father (Jeremy) and their 5 children. Firstly what caught me was that they are in inter-rational couple and family. What I also learned about Brandey was that she is someone that has suffered abuse and she has admitted also that this is something she is still dealing with. Which I respect, because people always just think you have said it out loud now, now its over. But she admits that this is something she still works through and that she and her husband communicates about things she feels awkward about. And I think this a good indication of love and respect for one another. I mean I do not think everything is perfect for this family. I mean Jeremy having been married before and having kids from that marriage . I do not think their lives are easy. But they make it work at best they can. Respect for them.

 

I have watched some adoption videos as well. Where families go all the way to China to adopt. What I have learned from a blog I have been reading (Mix and Match Mama – I will talk about this blog later sometime), is that adoptions from China is hugely children who has some kind of medical problem or disability (which I also find very interesting). But I have watched a lot of videos about adoptions as well as like local adoptions and its just so beautiful how these family open their hearts to their kids. And these kids just deserve to be loved and feel safe.

I have watched videos about the random celebrities as well.

 

But I do love an inspiring video. Something that gives one hope that there isn’t just all this hate and possible wars in the world. Life has happy moments and we need to see more of that.

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